Hi everyone!
Let’s jump right in. Got a dancer friend? Consider sharing this one.
You’re Killin’ Me, j-hope
Yesterday, I had my first proper outing since I’ve arrived in Charleston. In the morning, I met my friend A., who I know from middle school (!), at a hip coffee shop, Orange Spot, in the current hip part of town, North Charleston’s Park Circle neighborhood. I then camped out at a different coffee shop/market, Odd Duck, and used their wifi for a once-a-month work meeting (that I actually enjoy!). I had a delicious vegan tempeh BLT and took in the vibe and healthy breezes blowing through on East Montague’s line of shops before it was 3:30 and time for….
K-pop dance class at the Park Circle Community Building.
I’ve taken one k-pop dance class before, in Charlotte. (I wrote about it for the Charlotte Observer as part of a K-immersion experience when I went to the Queen City to see the girl group aespa in concert.)
I have a bit of a dance background, having taken ballet, tap, jazz, and two years of pointe before the age of thirteen. I was never good good — and I felt that lack of talent acutely — but I learned enough to have some folks recognize my background and even praise my grooving with the music dancing at weddings and the like.
On the whole, I love to dance. It’s something I do just as happily by myself in the house as out with friends — in fact, I prefer doing it at home so there’s no need for the rigamarole of dressing up, paying cover, etc. etc.
But K-pop dance class means learning choreography — yesterday, it was j-hope’s “Killin’ It Girl (Solo ver.)” — and it’s a more complicated experience.
(FYI: We focused on the moves from 1:32 to 1:53.)
Both times I’ve taken K-pop dance classes, I’m 99% sure I am by far the oldest person in the room. No worries! Not a problem.
But I’m also the most awkward. Everyone else has seamless body rolls that ripple like sheets on the line undulating in the wind. Their legs and arms flow through each movement, whereas mine are jerky and uncoordinated. My elbows jut out at acute angles when they should be held loosely, or flop like pool noodles when they should be held straight and firm.
Some of this suckage is because I’m less experienced than my fellow dancers who take these classes regularly and likely work on choreography on their own for TikTok challenges or just shits and giggles.
But it’s also true that I struggle with the basic mechanics of key moves like the body roll. My chest pops out when it should dip in, or my hips move sideways when they should move forward and backward. I wonder if my scoliosis plays a role — perhaps I just can’t shift my body in that direction — but I can’t say for sure.
What I do know is that I have an embarrassing lack of groove.
Did I have fun at the dance class, anyway? Of course! But it was fun coupled with a bit of a sadness.
You want to look like the girl in the picture. I never look like the girl in the picture.
Could I learn to do a good body roll? With step-by-step remedial instruction, perhaps. If I had the time and the money.
But my struggle with groove goes beyond dance.
Last weekend, I purposely avoided doing things in Charleston to try to make myself get back into work. No go. Luckily, I got an assignment on Tuesday morning that whiplashed me back into hustle mode. And I’m genuinely grateful! I need the money and the motivation. But I also missed a good window for “doing stuff in Charleston.”
And when it comes to my weight-loss quest, I’m so thrown off my groove I’ve essentially derailed.
(Content Warning: discussion of disordered eating and body dysmorphia. Feel free to skip to the Helene and L.A. Recovery Resources.)
Since I’ve arrived in Charleston, I’ve continued to track my calories — something I wrote about here:
I’m even doing more exercise, since I can walk on the flat ground with my broken pinky. Before I arrived, I had last weighed myself at home at 101 lbs. Mom was right! Cutting down my food intake worked. Problem solved.
Except, since I’ve been here, I’ve GAINED NEARLY FOUR POUNDS. At first, I thought it was the scale. But I weighed a 5 lb dumbbell, and the scale’s accurate. Then I hoped it was water weight. But the scale started at 103.4 and has steadily crept up. This morning, I was 104.8.
I’m disgusted, sad, frustrated, mad, and of course starving.
I can hear all the arguments now: It’s muscle! I’m using those 5 lb dumbbells for workouts, after all. It’s water retention. It’s perimenopause. (That one I can rule out, since I got my hormones tested.) It’s my calorie tracking that’s off — which is probably true since I don’t have a kitchen scale that weighs grams. It might be all of these things.
But a calorie deficit is supposed to work. And I’m pretty damn sure I’m in a calorie deficit. And if I’m not, I’m not overeating by an insane amount — maybe an extra 100, 150 calories.
So my short torso is a barrel. My double chin is back. And I just feel defeated, honestly.
It was interesting to see myself in the mirror yesterday at dance class, especially compared to the other women/girls. (I think at least one was more teenage, though I could be wrong.) My arms, surprisingly, looked pretty good. And though my legs were chunkier than everyone else’s, they weren’t terribly.
But I was looking at a bunch of shapes I wish I were instead of my own.
It’s exhausting, carrying all this. My mom always tells me that, even at her heaviest, she would look in the mirror every day and think to herself, “I’m the most beautiful.”
There’s something charming about that, really. But I’m a realist — I know that’s not true of her or of me. And it’s not even about changing beauty standards, yadda yadda. I’m just not genetically gifted in that way.
It’s like pretending my writing is as good as Shakespeare’s or Milton’s. It’s not. I could spend my entire life trying to be, and I wouldn’t get there. I work to reach my potential. But my potential will never be as high as theirs. Just as other people will never be able to reach my potential as a writer.
With the weight, I just want to reach my potential. I want to be 100-102 and stay there.
Is that so much to ask?
Hurricane Helene & Wildfires: Ways to Support Recovery
Help Catye Gowan Feed People with Dietary Needs! This chef has been out there on her own since the storm began cooking food designed for people with severe dietary issues like Celiac and dietary preferences like veganism. She’s a force for good, and every dollar helps!
Help the House of Black Cat Magic Save Black Cats! Our second cat, Mini Keeper-Moo, came from Binx’s Home for Black Cats, one of only a handful of black cat-specific rescues in the country. They opened up a gorgeous black cat lounge and magic shop last May, but since Hurricane Helene they’re struggling like every other business. They’ve only received $15,000 micro-grants since the storm to save their business — not a cent more. Please help them help black cats!
BeLoved Asheville. These folks are the best in the world — the ultimate model of mutual aid and greeting the world with love. Check out what they’ve been doing, and donate, here.
The Deep End of Hope in the Wake of Hurricane Helene: 40 Days and Nights of Survival and Transformation. A Ground Zero view of the storm’s devastation — and a community’s resilience — from a trauma chaplain who lived it.
L.A. Wildfires: Opportunities to Help
World Central Kitchen. They were unbelievable for us here after Helene. I don’t know the grassroots organizations running in LA right now — LA readers, feel free to share so I can include them! — but I can vouch for the amazing-ness of World Central Kitchen. A hot meal means everything in such difficult moments. I’ll add more links as I hear about places doing great work.
This Week’s Dose of K-Pop: 퍼플키스 (PURPLE KISS), “중독(Overdose)” [Original song by EXO-K]
To get a sense of how amazing some K-pop choreography can be, I offer you Purple Kiss’s Relay Dance cover of EXO’s song “Overdose.”
Relay Dance is exactly what it sounds like: each member of a group hits a bit of choreography and then goes to the back of the line.
What I love about this dance cover — besides the talent and precision — is how well the relay form showcases some of the formations. The amount of practice required to be that synchronized is amazing. Of course, that’s what these K-pop idols do; that’s their job. But it’s still beyond impressive.
Enjoy!
Love y’all,
Sara
There are body rolls (dance) and body rolls (tummy) and they're both perfect symbols for this great stack!