Exorcizing Grief

Or, finding solace through history.

Hey y’all!

This week, I wanted to share a different origin story: the origin of my novel-in-progress, tentatively called The Ordinaries. Why The Ordinaries? I’ll get to that.

The Origins of The Ordinaries

Picture it: January 2018. Durham, England. (Or, OG Durham, as I call it.) I was visiting a friend for the new year, and no visit to Durham is complete without a visit to Durham Cathedral — the building Bill Bryson has called “the best cathedral on planet Earth.”

Just look at it:

Located on a prominent peninsula encircled by the river Wear, the cathedral looms gently over the city in all its Norman-era glory. Begun in 1093 and finished in 1133, it’s architecturally notable for having the earliest, largest surviving vaulted ceiling in Europe. I’m partial to its thick columns in the nave, carved with spirals and patterns:

In Catholicism, however, it is best known for the shrine of Saint Cuthbert, the patron saint of the North (of England). Born ca.634, Cuthbert preferred life as a hermit, first on first the windswept Isle of Lindisfarne in the North Sea and then, when too many monks joined him, on an island a rickety boat ride away just called Farne. But he was called to be the Bishop of Lindisfarne and dutifully wore the mitre and carried the crook until he could plead old age and went back to Farne, where he prayed knee-deep in the frigid sea and communed with the birds. He lived in a small stone hut with an altar and died three years later in 687.

At some point between the first Viking raid on the Holy Isle of Lindisfarne in 793 and the Danes invading Northumbria in the late 9th century, the monks unearthed Cuthbert and carried his coffin to the mainland. He eventually ended up in Durham Cathedral.

And, in 2018, so did I.

As my friend and I were walking around the cloisters of the priory (the word for a monastery attached to a cathedral), I paused at an informational placard about the monks living there when Henry VIII decided to divorce Catherine of Aragon for Anne Boleyn and kickstart the English Reformation in 1533.

A consequence was the largest land transfer in English history. The crown seized the monasteries, pocketed the valuables, and sold off the land. It’s called the dissolution of the monasteries, and it came for Durham Priory in December 1539.

Monks were novitiates for as many as seven years before they could be ordained. As I stared at the placard, I wondered: How would it feel if you were in your sixth year at Durham in 1539? You were on the cusp of a lifelong dream that not only made you happy but also was fundamental to saving the souls of all mankind. (You know, small stakes.)

Now, suddenly, you were about to get kicked out of that life. How much anger would you feel at the world? How much grief would be rattling your bones? How much blame would you assign to yourself, wondering what role your sins played in angering God so much that He saw fit to destroy the only true way to heaven?

I don’t really know what that feels like. But I know what it’s like to have only one dream and to see it die. Since elementary school, I knew I would get an MD, a JD, or a PhD. (I wrote about this is for The New York Times.) Since high school, I sensed that the degree would be a PhD in English. By the end of college, I knew I would be a university professor.

Until I got all the credentials and failed to get a university job. My path ended at a precipice, and I looked down with no sense of who else I could be — and if that person and that life was worth being and living.

So, for me, The Ordinaries is about exorcising the grief of that dead dream. Its heroes are three childhood friends: Rich, Will, and Thom. Two of them are monks, though only one of them wanted to be. The third is working for the king’s commissioners dissolving the monasteries. They haven’t seen each other for five years, and they converge for three tumultuous days. Each has his grievances, his fears, his wounds. And I see each of them as a piece of my psyche: a trinity that, when put together, encompass the emotional, philosophical, and mental journeys that I had to take to walk back from that precipice and blaze a new path — a new life — for myself.

So, why The Ordinaries? Well, my boys are, in many ways, ordinary boys with ordinary struggles, albeit in extraordinary times. But “ordinary” also used to be a term for someone with ecclesiastical authority, as well as a part of the liturgy that stayed constant. There’s a lot of layers to the word, a palimpsest of meanings.

Recommendations

If you ever find yourself in England, go to OG Durham and visit the cathedral. You won’t regret it.

This Week’s Dose of K-Pop: Tomorrow x Together, “Skipping Stones (물수제비)”

This song is off TXT’s newest album, The Name Chapter: Freefall. It’s a straightforward rock song: rare for K-pop but typical of TXT’s discography, which is one of the most varied in the genre. (Check out their cover of the Korean early listening band Salt & Light (빛과 소금)’s tune “샴푸의 요정 (Fairy of Shampoo).”)

I love this fan-made clip of their live performance on Tiny Desk Korea, because you can see the lyrics in Korean (Hangeul), their literal English translation, and the lyrical translation.

Since Durham Cathedral is surrounded by a river, and my novel (spoiler!) ends on an island, I thought the bittersweet yet hopeful words about skipping stones on water fitting.

It’s also just a kickass song.

Thanks for reading!

Love y’all,

Sara